transemacabre: (Rose Red)
Why doesn't anyone do awesome song mash-ups, like Whitney Houston's "Greatest Love of All" and Sex Pistols' "No Future"?

♫ I believe the children have no future... ♫
transemacabre: (Rose Red)
With only a couple hours left in this year, let's take a moment to think over the previous year, really let it sink in, and celebrate the highs and mourn the lows that made 2013 so memorable.

Most Cringe-Worthy Youtube Video: No, it's not Ylvis' "What does the Fox say", or Miley Cyrus twerking. It's this clip from a 1981 episode of The Lawrence Welk Show, during which two dancers perform their interpretation of Wilson Picket's immortal hit song, "Land of a Thousand Dances". This clip is responsible for the destruction of more African soul than Papa Legba.



Favorite Youtube Comment About the Preceding: This is the honkiest thing ever recorded. This makes Pat Boone seem funky.

Creepiest Fandom Wanker Moment of 2013: Thanfiction, aka Amy Player, aka Andy Blake, aka Victoria Bitter, aka... a lot of things (former alleged IRA member, former hunter of dark wizards on the psychic plane, former Elijah Woods-wannabee, current total crazy person) inviting emotionally vulnerable youngsters on Tumblr (as if anyone else uses Tumblr) to send him their addresses so he can mail them roofies candy. It's official, y'all. Thanfiction is now the freak who drives around the neighborhood in an unmarked van, offering candy to kids.

The "He Could Hit It" Award of 2013 Goes to...: Dean Ambrose of WWE's The Shield.



Most Eagerly Anticipated Sex Tape of 2014: CM Punk/Myself. Alternatively, CM Punk/AJ Lee.

Least Anticipated Sex Tape of 2014: Kim Kardashian's New Body Parts + Kanye West's O-Face.

Most "Whut...?" Moment of 2013 For Moi: A SJW on fail-fandomanon telling me (a 20-something woman with a functioning uterus and ovaries) that I have no right to an opinion in a debate about reproductive rights/issues. Huh?

Most Pleasant Fandom Surprise of 2013: Seeing my lj flist slowly but surely becoming more active.

Best Schadenfreude Moment of 2013: Anytime a conservative anti-gay politician is caught getting a blowjob from a male escort in a seedy bathroom somewhere.
transemacabre: (Rose Red)
I just started cackling like a hyena when I came across this on someone's ff.net profile:

Outside of fanfic, God is the most important thing in my life...

I'm sorry, I'm a godless atheist with no respect for religion, but it seems to me that if you believe in God, shouldn't God be, like, WAY above fanfic in the list of important things in your life? Fuck! Priorities, y'all!
transemacabre: (Rose Red)
Film most likely to spawn a fandom of predominantly incest fic: Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunters.

Co-star most likely to be impregnated next by Colin Farrell: Noomi Rapace (Dead Man Down).

Republican most likely to be caught in gay sex scandal: Todd Akin.

Celebrity sex tape we do not want to see, but will be subjected to in 2013: LeAnn Rimes and that ghoul she married.

Celebrity sex tape we most want to see in 2013, but which will not happen in 2013: Dolph Ziggler and AJ Lee.

Notorious fandom personality most likely to start own cult: thanfiction (aka Andy Blake, aka Victoria Bitter, aka Amy Player). Runner-up: Riley from dumbthingswhitepplsay.
transemacabre: (Default)
In this post, [livejournal.com profile] pm215 discusses an English-Arabic phrasebook from 1926 which s/he had bought, and the hilarious phrases contained within that the author apparently felt a young British gent of the time period would need while touring Cairo. Such gems include:

I am determined to buy this monkey.
The chloroformed man slept like the dead.
I'm accustomed to smoke opium.
Both of them squint and three of their children are deaf mutes.

I cannot even imagine in what context those sentences might come up.

I looked up the book on Google Books, and oh golly, there it is! A few more phrases that [livejournal.com profile] pm215 didn't share with us:

Is it true that you have committed every sin in the Decalogue?
She died a natural death.
Don't be afraid, madam, I will protect you from the Jinns and Afrits.
The poison is killing him.
The hypocrisy of these Jews is beyond belief.
I wonder if any battle was fought on this spot in ancient times, for skulls and bones of all kinds are scattered everywhere.
transemacabre: (Default)
Possibly due to my disinterest in anime, I *totally* missed out on the hilarious English dub of Ghost Stories, the silly tale of several ghost mystery-solving Japanese children, dubbed over by a posse of English-speaking voice actors who's epic levels of Don't Give A Fuck can be appreciated even by moi. It's crude, rude, and not even a little PC.




"Monsters only eat evil people, like Republicans!"

"I'm too young to die! The one person I've had sex with is my babysitter."

[Praying]
"I want HUGE breasts!"
"And when I get older, I want to fondle said breasts."

"It could never work between us! Not because you're a rabbit, but because you're black!"

"You see kids, the boy bunny has a penis. He puts that penis into the girl bunny's vagina. Then the girl bunny acts like she owns that penis. Anyway..."
transemacabre: (Default)
Why didn't anyone tell me about this?! I only found out these existed a couple of days ago, all on my lonesome. I am disappoint, LJ. I expect better from you.

If you're like me, and are new to this, Epic Rap Battles of History is a web series featuring a pair of historical or fictional characters facing off against each other in (what else?) a rap battle. The characters are played, hilariously and sometimes frighteningly well, by rappers. If you're offended by... basically anything, don't watch 'em.



I'd smack you, but in Germany, we don't hit little girls! And I'm glad I'm deaf, so I can't hear that piece of shit "My World"! GENIUS. But wait, how come Bach knows how big Beethoven's dick is? Inquiring minds want to know.
transemacabre: (Default)
I have discovered what is possibly the greatest fangirl/troll blog ever: http://philbrooksismine.tumblr.com

Written by a purportedly 19-year-old Polish CM Punk fangirl (Phil Brooks being Punky's birth name), this blog is a surrealist masterpiece of Dracula-esque malapropisms and increasingly over-the-top declarations of love for CM Punk. What gets me is the enraged mail she gets from disturbed wrestling fans saying things like "What is wrong with you? Leave Punky alone!. Can y'all not not see that this is art?

Behold.

An understated symbol of what Punk does to her

Their 'love story', Twilight style. And hey, it's STILL better than Twilight.

Her genius list of 5 things she'd change if she was in charge of the WWE:

1. tell Cm Punk if he eat me out i will reinstate the Ice Cram bar
2. have the lunch lady put a Ketchup on my pussy and give cm punk some frency fry to dip
3. force cm punk to my office every morning, reporting to fuck
4. make cm punk the COEO of COCK
5. cuddle with punky after every match <3
transemacabre: (Default)
Why is Hank nuzzling Tony's neck in this picture?

Photobucket

I get that Hank is just supposed to be standing in front of him, but Hank's face is clearly in the shadow cast by Tony's head. The only way that's possible is if Hank is gently stroking the side of Tony's faceplate with his cheek. Is this one of Hank's peccadillos the Avengers have just learned to deal with? "Oh, there's Hank, rubbing himself on people again."

It says something that the anthropomorphic cow is not the most questionable thing about this image. Also, Tony's Living Armor that went all bad boyfriend on him was infected by Ultron tech. Ultron's mind is in turn based on Hank's brain engrams. Taking that to its logical conclusion, does that mean that Hank Pym has a dark, repressed obsession with Tony Stark?!

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Hank and Jan's house. Why the fuck do they have a giant framed picture of Reed Richards on the wall?

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Would it be weird if Hank started dating the guy his ex-wife left him for? Yeah? Oh. Nevermind.

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Oh. Ooooooooh.

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Hank playing with William is ~so cute~ omigod
transemacabre: (Default)
Long ago, in the days of yore (aka 1990) a farmer in Michigan found a Super 8 film camera attached to balloons had floated into his field. The camera film was found to contain bizarre footage of what appeared to be a dead body surrounded by strangely dressed men. The footage was sent to the FBI, and much nail-biting ensued until it was discovered that the footage was of the Nine Inch Nails music video for the song "Down In It".

That bastion of journalism, Hard Copy, reports:



Y'all, there are so many lolarious bits of this video that I can't choose between them. So I turn to you, flisties, for your wisdom. I need to know what the most lolarious moment in all of this hot mess is!

[Poll #1801753]
transemacabre: (Default)
So, like many fangirls, I am all a-squee about the photos and trailers of the upcoming Avengers movie. I loved all the previous Marvel Cinematic Universe movies (I saw Incredible Hulk TWICE. In theaters!) and if Avengers turns out to be even mediocre, I will be in fangirl Nirvana.

But am I the only one who sees storm clouds on the horizon? Hears the faraway thunder? Feels the swelling tension? I predict that Avengers fandom is going to be wanky, and I am torn between dreading it and being all ~TROLLFACE~ about the prospect of epic wank. You just cannot have this many hot, slashy guys on a team together, along with the incomparably delicious ScarJo, and have Joss Whedon attached, without some sort of insanity. It's just not even possible. So I'm calling my predictions now, and we'll see how they turn out:

-- Most Likely To Be Given Rape as Backstory: Clint/Hawkeye. I foresee many fics about him being sexually abused as a youngster in the circus, unless movie canon Josses that backstory.

-- Most Likely Pairing to Inspire Rapid Shipper Wars: Tony/Steve vs. Tony/anyone else or Steve/anyone else.

-- "Surprise" Pairing That Unexpectedly Becomes Wildly Popular Based on the Movie: I'm going with Steve/Clint on this one, that is if they keep any of their early canon interaction from the comics.

-- Pairing That Probably *Should* Have More Shippers, But Won't: Tony/Thor. Even in Thor fandom, Tony gets shipped more with Loki, despite the two of them having very little interaction in the comics and zero so far in movieverse. Tony/Thor used to be totally shippable back in the day in the Avengers comics, but I think Steve/Tony and Thor/Loki will drown out any chance of Tony/Thor getting a following.

-- Most Likely To Be Loathed by Fanbrats and Called "Horseface": ScarJo, aka Natasha/Black Widow, because she's a ridiculously gorgeous female character on a team full of gorgeous, slashable men.

-- Most Likely To Be Revealed As a Lesbian: Natasha again. Outside chance of Loki.

-- Most Likely To Receive "Healing Cock": Gonna go with the darkhorse bet here, Bruce/Hulk.

-- Pairing Most Likely To Be Thrown In As an Afterthought To "Pair the Spares": Bruce/Natasha. Calling it now.

-- Character Most Likely To Be Totally Forgotten About in Majority of Fanfic: I'm gonna say Thor. Nick Fury is my backup bet.

-- Most Likely To Have Own Cabal of Fangirls Who Believe They Are Married to Him on the Astral Plane: I'm predicting Steve, but Loki is also a strong contender.

-- Odds of Us Ever Getting an Avengers Kink Meme With Staying Power: 1/40. There's been what, nine or ten random Avengers kink memes by now?

-- Odds of FlameWar Erupting Involving Ten or More Sockpuppets: 1/5.

-- Odds of Fanbrat Who Insists S/He Can "Channel" A Movie Character: 1/10.

-- Odds of Fandom Attracting Incredibly Wanky BNF of the Caliber of Cassie Claire/Usagi Kou/MsScribe: 1/2.

Wanna place your bets?
transemacabre: (Default)
Over the last couple of nights, I've sat down and watched a couple of the HELLRAISER movies from the '80s, which despite being low-budget horror flicks and, yes, very very '80s, are not bad. I thought to myself, Self, this franchise is 25 years old and comprises 9 movies. They've really milked this concept for all its worth. What new ground can the next (inevitable) HELLRAISER movie cover?

And then the solution came to me in a flash of inspiration, like Athena springing fully-grown from Zeus's head.

HELLRAISER X: KNOCKED UP

After a drunken one night stand with Pinhead, our intrepid heroine Kirsty Cotton discovers that she's KNOCKED UP. Hilarity ensues as Kirsty and Pinhead embark on a new journey together, the journey of parenthood. Can Pinhead balance fatherhood with his, uh, 'career'? And most importantly, can Kirsty and Pinhead find true love? Find out next summer, in... HELLRAISER X: KNOCKED UP. Rated PG.
Don't miss the due date: 06/06/16

At last, the HELLRAISER movie the whole family can enjoy!

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transemacabre: (Default)
The classic in all its glory!

transemacabre: (Default)
Over several centuries of contact during the Crusades, the Franks and the Saracens had ample opportunity to observe one another's cultures and poke swords into one another. In an earlier post on [livejournal.com profile] oltramar, I stated that in my opinion that both sides were somewhat sexually obsessed with each other.
This, at least on the Franks' part, manifested as a tendency to accuse their enemies of being cum-guzzling cock-mongers. )
transemacabre: (Default)
With apologies to [livejournal.com profile] terana. You know you're my boo.

Me, [livejournal.com profile] caia_comica, and [livejournal.com profile] harmonyangel were hanging out the other day and talking about how Daken should marry Harry Osborn. Hear me out.

Daken lives for torturing people, and this would piss off two of the people he hates the most: Norman Osborn and Wolverine. Can't you just see Logan and Norman sitting across from each other during the ceremony, each boring holes in the other with their eyes, until Norman snaps from fury and begins beating Logan with his Goblin glider? Plus think of all the excellent snark and angst that would result, much of it from Peter Parker.

I think it should be called Dark Reign: Dark Wedding.
transemacabre: (Default)
In the continuing saga of Doctor Doom's angsty, obsessive homoerotic desire for Namor, I bring you: Super-Villain Team-Up.
Read more... )
transemacabre: (Default)
Inspired by a talk with Caia, I realized that Doctor Doom is surprisingly slashable. Well, that or I just have a thing for scarred, mask-clad, megalomaniacal European noblemen. *ponders* NAAAAAAH.

Read more... )
transemacabre: (Default)
As some of you may or may not know, I will be back in MD early next month for Americorps. I would love to get together with anyone in that area and hang. Also, if you're interested [livejournal.com profile] miss_bushido and I are planning a Repo!party and going all Rocky Horror with it -- costumes, blue glosticks for zydrate, singing along with the songs, etc. Anyone interested is invited to contact me through AIM.

In other news, I'm sort of dreading the release of the Repo! DVD and the inevitable onslaught of GR/Mary Sue fic. Also, I have a terrible feeling the 14-year-old fanbrats are gonna hate Shilo's guts. "OMFG GR held her hand Shilo is a SLUT and deserves to be GANGRAPED and DISEMBOWELED."
transemacabre: (Default)
In case you haven't been following the goings-on at [livejournal.com profile] plantagenesta, I've been mangling popular songs to fit a hypothetical King John musical. King John is probably my favorite Plantagenet, and let's face it, possibly the worst possible choice for a Broadway-style musical. So of course I had to do it!

So far my song listing is:

1. "Fuck It Up", John/Richard duet, based on "Mark It Up" from Repo! The Genetic Opera.
2. "1196 Lockdown", Richard, a rap song written in the gangsta style.
3. "Everybody Gets Laid Tonight", John, based on a song of the same title from Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter.
4. "John Should Be Scared", Philippe Auguste, based on "Be Prepared" from Disney's The Lion King.
5. "Be Our Guest", Hugh de Lusignan, based on the song of the same title from Disney's Beauty and the Beast.

I'm also planning to write a solo for Isabelle of Angouleme based on "Belle", also from B&TB (hey, her name is already Belle!) and I'm playing around with giving John a solo number riffing on Tone Loc's "Wild Thing", but this is all I'm come up with so far:

She winked and asked, "Dost thou have plans for to-night?"
I saith, "Hopefully, if things go well I'll be with thou to-night."


Read more... )
transemacabre: (Default)
So I probably shouldn't have stayed up all night reading an anthology of Gothic literature, because I had to turn on the bathroom light and crack the door before I could fall asleep. BUT BUT BUT! Bret Harte's "Selina Sedilia" is sooooo funny, a perfect parody of overwrought, over-the-top Gothic romance.

Here we have Selina, scion of an accursed race, monologuing about her doomed love for Edgardo.

"The seventeenth," she repeated slowly, with the same fateful shudder. "Ah!--what if he should know that I have another husband living? Dare I reveal to him that I have two legitimate and three natural children? Dare I repeat to him the history of my youth? Dare I confess that at the age of seven I poisoned my sister, by putting verdigris in her cream-tarts,--that I threw my cousin from a swing at the age of twelve? That the lady`s-maid who incurred the displeasure of my girlhood now lies at the bottom of the horse- pond? No! no! he is too pure,--too good,--too innocent, to hear such improper conversation!" and her whole body writhed as she rocked to and fro in a paroxysm of grief.

She's about to light a fuse to blow the western tower, where her kids are hidden, and the parish church, where the record of her first marriage is held, sky-high when the ghost of her great-grandfather appears to her with these ominous words.

"I do. Understand me,--I do not object to the eccentricities of your youth. I know the fearful destiny which, pursuing you, led you to poison your sister and drown your lady`s-maid. I know the awful doom which I have brought upon this house! But if you make way with these children--"

"Well," said the Lady Selina, hastily.

"They will haunt you!"

"Well, I fear them not," said Selina, drawing her superb figure to its full height.

"Yes, but, my dear child, what place are they to haunt? The ruin is sacred to your uncle`s spirit. Your aunt monopolizes the park, and, I must be allowed to state, not unfrequently trespasses upon the grounds of others. The horse-pond is frequented by the spirit of your maid, and your murdered sister walks these corridors. To be plain, there is no room at Sloperton Grange for another ghost. I cannot have them in my room,--for you know I don`t like children. Think of this, rash girl, and forbear! Would you, Selina," said the phantom, mournfully,--"would you force your great-grandfather`s spirit to take lodgings elsewhere?"


Meanwhile, Edgardo angsts.

"It wants but a few minutes of the hour," he said, consulting his watch by the light of the moon. "He dare not break his word. He will come." He paused, and peered anxiously into the darkness. "But come what may, she is mine," he continued, as his thoughts reverted fondly to the fair lady he had quitted. "Yet if she knew all. If she knew that I were a disgraced and ruined man,--a felon and an outcast. If she knew that at the age of fourteen I murdered my Latin tutor and forged my uncle`s will. If she knew that I had three wives already, and that the fourth victim of misplaced confidence and my unfortunate peculiarity is expected to be at Sloperton by to-night`s train with her baby. But no; she must not know it. Constance must not arrive. Burke the Slogger must attend to that.

So he hires Burke the Slogger to destroy the bridge carrying Wife #4 and Edgardo Jr. However...

But the next moment the train leaped across the chasm, striking the rails exactly even, and, dashing out the life of Burke the Slogger, sped away to Sloperton.

Selina gets some news.

"An accident has happened on the railway, and a man has been killed."

"What--not Edgardo!" almost screamed Selina.

"No, Burke the Slogger!" your ladyship.

"My first husband!" said Lady Selina, sinking on her knees. "Just Heaven, I thank thee!"


HAHAHA THATS COMEDY.

The wedding is still on. Selina's illegitimate daughter Alice escapes confinement and hides in her mother's boudoir. Seeing a fuse, she seizes a match.

Suddenly the ringing of the chimes of Sloperton parish church met her ear. Alice knew that the sound signified that the marriage party had entered the church, and that she was secure from interruption. With a childish smile upon her lips, Alice Sedilia touched off the slow-match.

Selina's nephew Rupert arrives from India, determined to prove his aunt cheated him out of his inheritance. Just then ---

At the same moment he beheld a dense cloud of smoke envelop the churchyard of Sloperton, and the western tower of the Grange seemed to be lifted bodily from its foundation. The air seemed filled with falling fragments, and two dark objects struck the earth close at his feet. Rupert picked them up. One seemed to be a heavy volume bound in brass.

A cry burst from his lips.

"The Parish Records." He opened the volume hastily. It contained the marriage of Lady Selina to "Burke the Slogger."

The second object proved to be a piece of parchment. He tore it open with trembling fingers. It was the missing will of Sir James Sedilia!


And this charming epilogue, in which everyone gets their just deserts:

Five more ghosts were added to the supernatural population of Sloperton Grange. Perhaps this was the reason why Sir Rupert sold the property shortly afterward, and that for many years a dark shadow seemed to hang over the ruins of Sloperton Grange.

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