transemacabre | Zemo Family Fun!

Me and

ang_band have been happily talking about our hypothetical "Juergen" series, of which "Dark Horse Bet" is the only written piece. Basically, it's an AU branching off about Tbolts #101, where Zemo and Songbird have a baby.

Mississippienne: mel crying abt being pregnant. zemo: "look, shes so happy she WEEPS from joy!"
Mississippienne: mel: AaaaaaaaaAAAAh *hiccup* aaah ahh ahhh *sniff* AAAAAH GOD aaaaaaAAAAH"
Mississippienne: she finally calms down and eats a graham cracker to settle her tummy. then she looks at zemo again and starts crying all over again, cracker crumbling forlornly in her hand
known as remix: Zemo cock: dangerous stuff
Mississippienne: and zemo's speech to the team abt the pregnancy: "the spermazoa of power has pierced the ovum of destiny!!!!"
known as remix: "Say what?"
"Speak English."
Mississippienne: "i think he means mel is knocked up."
known as remix: ".....surprise."
Mississippienne: "oh wow. i didnt think you two were together anymore, abe."
Mississippienne: "not me, dumbass. zemo."
Mississippienne: "zemo's pregnant?"
Mississippienne: "NO. zemo got mel pregnant."
known as remix: With his cosmic balls
Mississippienne: "HAHA thats funny guys! no really, who knocked up mel?"
known as remix: Oh, the horror Mel would go through when people found out just WHO knocked her up
known as remix: They'd call him a cradle robber, and her a grave robber
Mississippienne: cap would just be v. v. concerned abt her
known as remix: Yeah, especially when he saw what Zemo was like at 6
known as remix: You know
known as remix: Trying to kill people
Mississippienne: "oh god not another one"
known as remix: "Better start training Patriot on Zemo-wrangling."
known as remix: Also also
known as remix: Falcon! (Cuz I just like putting him in things I guess)
known as remix: Aww he'd love the little baby, just cuz it was half-Mel
Mississippienne: heee falcon's dislike of zemo is just delish
Mississippienne: im imaging falc confronting mel, all concerned. "did he brainwash you? blackmail you?"
Mississippienne: "no, i was willing."
known as remix: "I was...dumb"
Mississippienne: "you willingly had sex w/zemo?"
Mississippienne: "it... seemed like a good idea at the time."
Mississippienne: "without a condom? you had sex with ZEMO without a condom?"
Mississippienne: "........."
known as remix: "....maybe his tiara thing has hypnotizing lights. I dunno. *mumble"
Mississippienne: falcon: *very concerned face*
Mississippienne: cap: "sam, if theyre not starting trouble, leave them alone. maybe theyre in love."
Mississippienne: falcon: "cap, LOOK at zemo. anyone as ugly as him would have to get it on the sly"
known as remix: Awwww poor Zemo!
Mississippienne: falc ttly thinks zemo had, like, blackmail on mel or something
known as remix: He would. And Redwing quietly judges!
Mississippienne: "mel, i know you were trailer trash and all abt that whore of a mother... but dont let zemo force you into anything!"
Mississippienne: mel: *quietly seethes*
known as remix: And weird uncle Fixer....just....weird uncle fixer
Mississippienne: "uncle andreas talks abt a lady named andrea, but i dont know if she was his sister or his wife"
Mississippienne: zemo: "sometimes i wonder that too, son"
known as remix: "Put it out of you mind. I know I wish I could."
known as remix: "She was still a damn good kisser though."
Mississippienne: having uncle fixer and uncle andreas providing two of his primary male role models explains his first girlfriend (at the age of 15), a stripper named Hunny Fuckable
Mississippienne: i can imagine the zemo family scrapbook...
Mississippienne: babys first sonogram... mel screaming at zemo "get that fucking camera out of my fucking face" as she's in labor...
known as remix: And then "Get that fucking camera out my...uhmmm...." *pain scream*
Mississippienne: ....one photo of a cracked camera lens...
Mississippienne: ...a photo of baby juergen in a mini zemo mask that fixer made for him.... a photo of mel's fist connecting w/fixer's face when she catches him dressing her son up in the mini zemo mask...
known as remix: Awwww little mask and diaper
known as remix: And naturally photos must be taken of Freiherr baby and the family heirlooms
Mississippienne: ... constrasting images of juergen in tiny lederhosen (daddy's choice) and a v. trendy outfit w/star of david (mommy)
Mississippienne: ....photo of their bumper sticker: FREIHERR ON BOARD
known as remix: And of course BAron von Strucker must send terse nobleman congratulations he doesn't mean
Mississippienne: yknow all the nazi villains get together and get drunk and laugh at zemo over the news
known as remix: "I'm surprised his cock didn't fall off."
"Wh, he never had one to begin with?"
Mississippienne: "god i wish i knew where heinrich was buried so i could piss on his grave, thats the only thing that could make this better"
known as remix: Meanwhile, a Jew marrying Nazi spawn...oh how New York's population weeps
Mississippienne: red skull sends smarmy "congratulations" that are something like "oh, how to describe my feelings when i learned of das untermensch being born to the noble zemo clan"
Mississippienne: zemo sends back a photo of juergen to rub it in that skull never got a son and heir of his own, half-jew or otherwise
known as remix: "Thank you for the congratulations on the birth of my son. I was secretly hoping for a boy, and not a girl."
Mississippienne: its in a card with a photo of juergen looking all cute and wellfed
Mississippienne: "by the way, how's synthia? still a raging disappointment?"
Mississippienne: "my dearest zemo, how like your father you have become. it is my sincerest wish that you receive everything that is coming to you."
known as remix: Damn, I just realized that she has a dad somewhere
known as remix: Who should surely know of her being a hero now
known as remix: And being impregnated by a rich aristocrat
Mississippienne: thats gonna be an awkward phone call
Mississippienne: "uh... dad?"
known as remix: "Hey sweetie. So uh, been a while."
known as remix: "You're gonna marry him, right?"
Mississippienne: mel: "ummmm...."
known as remix: "Well...it's not like I love him..."
"You could learn to."
Mississippienne: then he goes into a long rambling story abt how he and her mother used to neck at the local drive-in "in my 79 dodge ram" and mel becomes more and more uncomfortable
known as remix: Zemo doesn't want that trailer trash around, meanwhile. *sniff*
Mississippienne: "but dad, i was born in 78" "well, yeah, you were in the front seat"
Mississippienne: yknow, put the baby in her carseat, climb in the back and get bizzzzzay
known as remix: She won't remember. One way or another >>
Mississippienne: "your mom, she made the best tattertot casserole..." "uh, yeah, dad i gotta go"
known as remix: Also, Zemo is willing to throw a little money at the sad little man if it means that he will never come near Little Zemo
known as remix: "I will throw in the complete Kentucky Fried Chicken Limited Bucket collectables of Dale Ehrhardt Jr as well."
known as remix: "To sweeten the pot."
Mississippienne: zemo just asked fixer "what do lowlifes like?"
Mississippienne: after juergen's born, mel insists on visiting "home"
Mississippienne: yknow that scene in borat where theyre in the jewish people's b&b hiding under their blankets, clutching crosses and cash? yeah, thats zemo in mel's dad's house
known as remix: Zemo is trying to be tolerant, really, but he does not know these strange Jewish ways after years of prejudice and half-truths.
Mississippienne: mel shows him around. "here's the bathroom." "ah, is this the tub where you slaughter christian babies for their blood?"
Mississippienne: zemo to mel's dad: "why do you not wear your bag of gold around your neck?"
known as remix: omfg
Mississippienne: (srsly a guy asked my jewish ex that)
known as remix: (whut)
Mississippienne: (not. even. kidding.)
known as remix: (WHUT)
known as remix: "I can't believe the mother of my child grew up in this ...landfill. No wonder you turned into a criminal."
Mississippienne: mel: *furious*
known as remix: "You turned into a cirminal and you had everything you could ever want!"
"...that was different."
Mississippienne: well, of course. he was a LEGACY criminal
known as remix: Then Dad does something very bad
known as remix: "Hey, Helmat, you should invite your folks over here to the States for a weekend, we can have a cookout or somethin'."
Mississippienne: zemo: *stony silence*
known as remix: Mel: *hides mouth in shock*
Mississippienne: mel's dad, confused by the accent and having never heard of any "zeno" people before, assumes helmut's one of 'the tribe'
known as remix: Or possibly something to do with scientology. Xenu, Zemo...
Mississippienne: theres a tense scene when Daddy Gold pulls mel aside. "mel, is he... one of those..."
Mississippienne: "what, dad, what?"
Mississippienne: "... scientologists?"
known as remix: "Well he's sort of a mad scientist."
known as remix: "He can make Juergen a puppy with tentacles, for example."
Mississippienne: mel's dad: "you dont keep kosher?!!?!"
Mississippienne: (seafood is baaaaad)
known as remix: Especially the giant squid Helmut made to attack Cap that one time. He still has it somewhere...
Mississippienne: im imagining mel's parents as being sort of benevolently white trash
Mississippienne: like every story mel's dad tells zemo just makes the situation worse and worse
Mississippienne: "we couldnt afford a carseat, so me and mimi would put melissa in the floorboard of the car to drive around"
Mississippienne: he shows zemo pics of mel as a baby, laying naked on shag carpeting
known as remix: Mel: *ugh Dad STOP*
Mississippienne: mel as a teenager at the ted nugent concert
known as remix: Zemo *quiet glee*
Mississippienne: yknow, big hair, lowriding jeans
Mississippienne: trashy biker boyfriend, the works
Mississippienne: "his name was snake, he sold pieces of other peoples cars"
Mississippienne: zemo: "im so glad i rescued mel from this hovel"
known as remix: The best part is the stuff he says like that is so canon
known as remix: "You are so lucky you met me."
known as remix: He doesn't allow young Juergen to sit or stand on the floor
known as remix: No matter how much the little guy squirms
Mississippienne: he eyes the carpet: ancient shag carpet with cigarette holes
known as remix: And a cat smell. And they don't even have a cat
Mississippienne: zemo: "i'll just hold him, thanks"
Mississippienne: mel's dad: "awww, lemme see the lil guy"
Mississippienne: zemo: *clutches*
known as remix: Never has he felt so protective
Mel: Zemo, let him hold Juergen.
Zemo: I would sooner chance Juergen with Strucker, the Red Skull, and Doctor Doom.
Mississippienne: its not like most of his babysitters havent done hard time in rikers, anyway

Zemo Family Fun!

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