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3. TNA: Kurt Angle confronts Karen Angle and AJ Styles
A big part of Kurt Angle's on-screen character is his egocentrism and his drive to achieve, even at the cost of his personal life; the championship comes first, his Olympic gold medals come second, and his wife and kids are somewhere around third and fourth.
This segment is meant to portray Kurt as a career-driven asshole, but it comes across more as Kurt Angle is so emotionally maladjusted that he doesn't comprehend human motivation. He stumbles across his wife, Karen, canoodling on a couch with fellow TNA wrestler AJ Styles, and its set up to make Kurt assume they're having an affair. Except that he naturally assumes Karen has come to win HIM back.
KURT: Did you come here to win me back?!
KAREN: [is clearly about to say, "Uh, no, not really..."]
KURT: Karen, I've told you for the last time! As long as there's a ME and [Samoa] JOE, there CAN'T be a ME and YOU!
He then chases her into AJ's arms, stopping just short of saying, "AJ, fuck my wife for me! I'm too busy for her ~womanly nonsense~!"
2. WCW: Raven and Kanyon's night out
Raven, ECW hardcore legend, was noted for his dark, nihilistic promos and cult leader persona. He was such a dark character that the first thing WCW did upon getting their hands on him was to turn him into a total joke: a spoiled rich boy with an annoying mother. In this segment, fellow wrestler Chris Kanyon (RIP) has come to Raven's mom's swanky mansion to cheer Raven up. Raven, naturally, decides they need a night out on the town.
After a shopping trip -- during which Kanyon reveals that he is the only gay man in the country who doesn't know what Versace is -- to get tricked out in the flyest clothes the mid-90s had to offer, Raven and Kanyon hit the bars and clubs. Notice the editing: it is clearly nightime when they return to Raven's mansion. Then it cuts to daytime, Raven's mom is coming home, and there goes Kanyon running down the stairs, frantically trying to pull his jeans back on. The only logical conclusion is that Raven wined and dined Kanyon, took him home and got him into bed, only to be woken up the next morning by Raven's mom.
1. WWF: Raven and Terri feed Moppy to the woodchipper
Perry Saturn had to choose between Terri Runnels (and her sidekicks, Breast Implant One and Breast Implant Two) and his mop girlfriend, Moppy. Shakespeare could only dream of writing a love triangle fraught with such tension. The ever-reliable and inanimate Moppy won the day and Perry's heart.
Hark! A dastardly plot! Terri and Raven mopnapped Moppy! Raven even provides dialogue for Moppy in the high-pitched voice he imagines a mop to have. He then cruelly feeds her to a woodchipper before Perry Saturn's horrified eyes. The best part is that I'm not sure, but I think we're supposed to accept this as being LEGITIMATE HEAT between Perry and Raven.
The second best part is that Moppy still sells the woodchipper better than Hulk Hogan has sold anything, ever.
A big part of Kurt Angle's on-screen character is his egocentrism and his drive to achieve, even at the cost of his personal life; the championship comes first, his Olympic gold medals come second, and his wife and kids are somewhere around third and fourth.
This segment is meant to portray Kurt as a career-driven asshole, but it comes across more as Kurt Angle is so emotionally maladjusted that he doesn't comprehend human motivation. He stumbles across his wife, Karen, canoodling on a couch with fellow TNA wrestler AJ Styles, and its set up to make Kurt assume they're having an affair. Except that he naturally assumes Karen has come to win HIM back.
KURT: Did you come here to win me back?!
KAREN: [is clearly about to say, "Uh, no, not really..."]
KURT: Karen, I've told you for the last time! As long as there's a ME and [Samoa] JOE, there CAN'T be a ME and YOU!
He then chases her into AJ's arms, stopping just short of saying, "AJ, fuck my wife for me! I'm too busy for her ~womanly nonsense~!"
2. WCW: Raven and Kanyon's night out
Raven, ECW hardcore legend, was noted for his dark, nihilistic promos and cult leader persona. He was such a dark character that the first thing WCW did upon getting their hands on him was to turn him into a total joke: a spoiled rich boy with an annoying mother. In this segment, fellow wrestler Chris Kanyon (RIP) has come to Raven's mom's swanky mansion to cheer Raven up. Raven, naturally, decides they need a night out on the town.
After a shopping trip -- during which Kanyon reveals that he is the only gay man in the country who doesn't know what Versace is -- to get tricked out in the flyest clothes the mid-90s had to offer, Raven and Kanyon hit the bars and clubs. Notice the editing: it is clearly nightime when they return to Raven's mansion. Then it cuts to daytime, Raven's mom is coming home, and there goes Kanyon running down the stairs, frantically trying to pull his jeans back on. The only logical conclusion is that Raven wined and dined Kanyon, took him home and got him into bed, only to be woken up the next morning by Raven's mom.
1. WWF: Raven and Terri feed Moppy to the woodchipper
Perry Saturn had to choose between Terri Runnels (and her sidekicks, Breast Implant One and Breast Implant Two) and his mop girlfriend, Moppy. Shakespeare could only dream of writing a love triangle fraught with such tension. The ever-reliable and inanimate Moppy won the day and Perry's heart.
Hark! A dastardly plot! Terri and Raven mopnapped Moppy! Raven even provides dialogue for Moppy in the high-pitched voice he imagines a mop to have. He then cruelly feeds her to a woodchipper before Perry Saturn's horrified eyes. The best part is that I'm not sure, but I think we're supposed to accept this as being LEGITIMATE HEAT between Perry and Raven.
The second best part is that Moppy still sells the woodchipper better than Hulk Hogan has sold anything, ever.
