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3. TNA: Kurt Angle confronts Karen Angle and AJ Styles
A big part of Kurt Angle's on-screen character is his egocentrism and his drive to achieve, even at the cost of his personal life; the championship comes first, his Olympic gold medals come second, and his wife and kids are somewhere around third and fourth.
This segment is meant to portray Kurt as a career-driven asshole, but it comes across more as Kurt Angle is so emotionally maladjusted that he doesn't comprehend human motivation. He stumbles across his wife, Karen, canoodling on a couch with fellow TNA wrestler AJ Styles, and its set up to make Kurt assume they're having an affair. Except that he naturally assumes Karen has come to win HIM back.
KURT: Did you come here to win me back?!
KAREN: [is clearly about to say, "Uh, no, not really..."]
KURT: Karen, I've told you for the last time! As long as there's a ME and [Samoa] JOE, there CAN'T be a ME and YOU!
He then chases her into AJ's arms, stopping just short of saying, "AJ, fuck my wife for me! I'm too busy for her ~womanly nonsense~!"
2. WCW: Raven and Kanyon's night out
Raven, ECW hardcore legend, was noted for his dark, nihilistic promos and cult leader persona. He was such a dark character that the first thing WCW did upon getting their hands on him was to turn him into a total joke: a spoiled rich boy with an annoying mother. In this segment, fellow wrestler Chris Kanyon (RIP) has come to Raven's mom's swanky mansion to cheer Raven up. Raven, naturally, decides they need a night out on the town.
After a shopping trip -- during which Kanyon reveals that he is the only gay man in the country who doesn't know what Versace is -- to get tricked out in the flyest clothes the mid-90s had to offer, Raven and Kanyon hit the bars and clubs. Notice the editing: it is clearly nightime when they return to Raven's mansion. Then it cuts to daytime, Raven's mom is coming home, and there goes Kanyon running down the stairs, frantically trying to pull his jeans back on. The only logical conclusion is that Raven wined and dined Kanyon, took him home and got him into bed, only to be woken up the next morning by Raven's mom.
1. WWF: Raven and Terri feed Moppy to the woodchipper
Perry Saturn had to choose between Terri Runnels (and her sidekicks, Breast Implant One and Breast Implant Two) and his mop girlfriend, Moppy. Shakespeare could only dream of writing a love triangle fraught with such tension. The ever-reliable and inanimate Moppy won the day and Perry's heart.
Hark! A dastardly plot! Terri and Raven mopnapped Moppy! Raven even provides dialogue for Moppy in the high-pitched voice he imagines a mop to have. He then cruelly feeds her to a woodchipper before Perry Saturn's horrified eyes. The best part is that I'm not sure, but I think we're supposed to accept this as being LEGITIMATE HEAT between Perry and Raven.
The second best part is that Moppy still sells the woodchipper better than Hulk Hogan has sold anything, ever.
A big part of Kurt Angle's on-screen character is his egocentrism and his drive to achieve, even at the cost of his personal life; the championship comes first, his Olympic gold medals come second, and his wife and kids are somewhere around third and fourth.
This segment is meant to portray Kurt as a career-driven asshole, but it comes across more as Kurt Angle is so emotionally maladjusted that he doesn't comprehend human motivation. He stumbles across his wife, Karen, canoodling on a couch with fellow TNA wrestler AJ Styles, and its set up to make Kurt assume they're having an affair. Except that he naturally assumes Karen has come to win HIM back.
KURT: Did you come here to win me back?!
KAREN: [is clearly about to say, "Uh, no, not really..."]
KURT: Karen, I've told you for the last time! As long as there's a ME and [Samoa] JOE, there CAN'T be a ME and YOU!
He then chases her into AJ's arms, stopping just short of saying, "AJ, fuck my wife for me! I'm too busy for her ~womanly nonsense~!"
2. WCW: Raven and Kanyon's night out
Raven, ECW hardcore legend, was noted for his dark, nihilistic promos and cult leader persona. He was such a dark character that the first thing WCW did upon getting their hands on him was to turn him into a total joke: a spoiled rich boy with an annoying mother. In this segment, fellow wrestler Chris Kanyon (RIP) has come to Raven's mom's swanky mansion to cheer Raven up. Raven, naturally, decides they need a night out on the town.
After a shopping trip -- during which Kanyon reveals that he is the only gay man in the country who doesn't know what Versace is -- to get tricked out in the flyest clothes the mid-90s had to offer, Raven and Kanyon hit the bars and clubs. Notice the editing: it is clearly nightime when they return to Raven's mansion. Then it cuts to daytime, Raven's mom is coming home, and there goes Kanyon running down the stairs, frantically trying to pull his jeans back on. The only logical conclusion is that Raven wined and dined Kanyon, took him home and got him into bed, only to be woken up the next morning by Raven's mom.
1. WWF: Raven and Terri feed Moppy to the woodchipper
Perry Saturn had to choose between Terri Runnels (and her sidekicks, Breast Implant One and Breast Implant Two) and his mop girlfriend, Moppy. Shakespeare could only dream of writing a love triangle fraught with such tension. The ever-reliable and inanimate Moppy won the day and Perry's heart.
Hark! A dastardly plot! Terri and Raven mopnapped Moppy! Raven even provides dialogue for Moppy in the high-pitched voice he imagines a mop to have. He then cruelly feeds her to a woodchipper before Perry Saturn's horrified eyes. The best part is that I'm not sure, but I think we're supposed to accept this as being LEGITIMATE HEAT between Perry and Raven.
The second best part is that Moppy still sells the woodchipper better than Hulk Hogan has sold anything, ever.
Mick Foley is awesome (and you can too!)
Aug. 27th, 2010 03:07 amIt's a little-known fact that Mick Foley, aka Mankind, is basically my dream man. Yes, ladies, you can keep your CW pretty boys, I will settle for nothing less than AT LEAST the equal of this 45-year-old, mulleted, plaid-wearing, massively scarred, 6'2 behemoth from Long Island.
Now, it must also be said that I don't give a shit about professional wrestling. However, Mick Foley is so balls-out awesome that he completely transcends his sport and deserves to be adored on a planetary scale. Here's why.
Foley is not just a legend in his sport, he's also a multiple-time New York Times bestselling author author of his memoirs, two novels, and children's fiction. He is also an actor, a voice actor, and a sometime-stand-up comedian (he donates the money from his stand-up to Wrestler's Rescue, an organization which provides care for aging and retired wrestlers.)
That brings me to the most important aspect of Foley's appeal, his humanitarianism. He has worked with the Make-A-Wish Foundation on many occasions, and visits injured servicemen and servicewomen in military hospitals. Foley goes to libraries and gives talks to children about the importance of reading. Not only does he sponsor 7 children with ChildFund International, he also donates money to support their childhood education centers in the Philippines and Mexico. He has also built several schools in the African nation of Sierra Leone.
Foley is also a major supporter and donor to RAINN (Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network) and advocates on the behalf of sexual violence survivors. He is donating 50% of his royalties from his next book to RAINN -- the other 50% is going to support sexual abuse victims in Sierra Leone.
He is also a gay rights advocate. Here's Foley's appearance on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, where he declares himself to be the protector of 10-year-old Will Phillips, an Arkansas boy who'd become the target of bullies after he refused to pledge allegiance to the flag, because, as Phillips puts it, as long as LGBT people can't marry or adopt, "there (is not) currently liberty and justice for all."
I'd also like to state for the record that the flames in the background are not computer-generated; it is a universal law that when Mick Foley makes a declaration of his intent to beat some jackass senseless, flames spontaneously erupt around him as the Earth itself reacts to his badassery.
Sometimes I want to sit on the floor and cry just thinking that someone like Mick Foley exists and that he cares SO MUCH. It breaks my heart to think about how we, as a society, spend so much money so we can read and hear gossip about these shit celebrities when Foley is out there basically trying his damndest to kick the asses of poverty, ignorance, hatred, and sexual violence. I wish we could all have our own Mick Foleys to watch over us and protect us.
To give you some idea of how unrelentingly BADASS he is as a wrestler (seriously, the man must be the most durable human being on the face of the planet) here's clips from his LEGENDARY 'Hell in a Cell' match against The Undertaker. Even if you don't know a goddamned thing about professional wrestling, and god knows I don't, it's still mind-blowingly awesome. Just check out this crazy shit.
Look at 1:48. LOOK AT THAT INSANITY. Undertaker throws Mankind (Mick Foley) off a cage that's gotta be 20 feet in the air, and his fall is broken by a flimsy table. The announcer is screaming, "THEY'VE KILLED HIM!" obviously assuming, as we all would, that no one could survive that. But no! Not only does Mankind get back up, he climbs BACK ONTO THE CAGE to continue the match!
The Undertaker and Mankind continue their match, all while the cage itself is buckling under them. When Undertaker chokeslams Mankind at :25, Mankind actually goes THROUGH the cage and hits the mat below. Holy shit, y'all. I think if someone chokeslammed me three feet I'd lay there and await the sweet, sweet release of death.
But Mankind RISES AGAIN from the stretcher as he's being carried from the arena, and continues the match with Undertaker. At this point, I'm in awe at the fact that he's breathing, much less capable of standing under his own power. That he gets back up a second time and continues wrestling is just beyond the impossible. Yes, wrestling's 'fake' in that its as stylized as kabuki, but you can't exactly fake getting flung 20 feet to the ground on two seperate occasions in the same night and getting back up to take blows to the face from a 6'8, 300+ lb Texan. That any human being is as amazing as Mick Foley gives me hope for our species.
Now, it must also be said that I don't give a shit about professional wrestling. However, Mick Foley is so balls-out awesome that he completely transcends his sport and deserves to be adored on a planetary scale. Here's why.
Foley is not just a legend in his sport, he's also a multiple-time New York Times bestselling author author of his memoirs, two novels, and children's fiction. He is also an actor, a voice actor, and a sometime-stand-up comedian (he donates the money from his stand-up to Wrestler's Rescue, an organization which provides care for aging and retired wrestlers.)
That brings me to the most important aspect of Foley's appeal, his humanitarianism. He has worked with the Make-A-Wish Foundation on many occasions, and visits injured servicemen and servicewomen in military hospitals. Foley goes to libraries and gives talks to children about the importance of reading. Not only does he sponsor 7 children with ChildFund International, he also donates money to support their childhood education centers in the Philippines and Mexico. He has also built several schools in the African nation of Sierra Leone.
Foley is also a major supporter and donor to RAINN (Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network) and advocates on the behalf of sexual violence survivors. He is donating 50% of his royalties from his next book to RAINN -- the other 50% is going to support sexual abuse victims in Sierra Leone.
He is also a gay rights advocate. Here's Foley's appearance on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, where he declares himself to be the protector of 10-year-old Will Phillips, an Arkansas boy who'd become the target of bullies after he refused to pledge allegiance to the flag, because, as Phillips puts it, as long as LGBT people can't marry or adopt, "there (is not) currently liberty and justice for all."
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Gaywatch - Peter Vadala & William Phillips | ||||
| ||||
I'd also like to state for the record that the flames in the background are not computer-generated; it is a universal law that when Mick Foley makes a declaration of his intent to beat some jackass senseless, flames spontaneously erupt around him as the Earth itself reacts to his badassery.
Sometimes I want to sit on the floor and cry just thinking that someone like Mick Foley exists and that he cares SO MUCH. It breaks my heart to think about how we, as a society, spend so much money so we can read and hear gossip about these shit celebrities when Foley is out there basically trying his damndest to kick the asses of poverty, ignorance, hatred, and sexual violence. I wish we could all have our own Mick Foleys to watch over us and protect us.
To give you some idea of how unrelentingly BADASS he is as a wrestler (seriously, the man must be the most durable human being on the face of the planet) here's clips from his LEGENDARY 'Hell in a Cell' match against The Undertaker. Even if you don't know a goddamned thing about professional wrestling, and god knows I don't, it's still mind-blowingly awesome. Just check out this crazy shit.
Look at 1:48. LOOK AT THAT INSANITY. Undertaker throws Mankind (Mick Foley) off a cage that's gotta be 20 feet in the air, and his fall is broken by a flimsy table. The announcer is screaming, "THEY'VE KILLED HIM!" obviously assuming, as we all would, that no one could survive that. But no! Not only does Mankind get back up, he climbs BACK ONTO THE CAGE to continue the match!
The Undertaker and Mankind continue their match, all while the cage itself is buckling under them. When Undertaker chokeslams Mankind at :25, Mankind actually goes THROUGH the cage and hits the mat below. Holy shit, y'all. I think if someone chokeslammed me three feet I'd lay there and await the sweet, sweet release of death.
But Mankind RISES AGAIN from the stretcher as he's being carried from the arena, and continues the match with Undertaker. At this point, I'm in awe at the fact that he's breathing, much less capable of standing under his own power. That he gets back up a second time and continues wrestling is just beyond the impossible. Yes, wrestling's 'fake' in that its as stylized as kabuki, but you can't exactly fake getting flung 20 feet to the ground on two seperate occasions in the same night and getting back up to take blows to the face from a 6'8, 300+ lb Texan. That any human being is as amazing as Mick Foley gives me hope for our species.
