Thunderbolts: The Reality TV Show

[transemacabre]

Co-written with remix17. It's humor, people! We mean it with love! Really!


It was a normal morning in the Folding Castle, a warm morning that promised to be muggy, and most of the Thunderbolts were downstairs in the kitchen for breakfast. Melissa was sitting at the table eating a bagel and reading the paper, Joystick was pumping weights with one hand and eating a power bar with the other, and Andreas was munching a bratwurst. With a loud bang, the doors flew open and Baron Helmut Zemo stalked in, and then announced in a large purple-colored font, "BARON ZEMO bids good morning to his indebted servants.... enjoy the wursts... you were LOVELY last night Melissa."

Unlike everyone else, who were lazing around in their pajamas, Zemo was already clad in his costume. Mel gave him a curious look and said, "What are you so excited about, Helmut?"

Zemo squared his shoulders in a patented Prussian artistocrat pose, and said, "I have an exciting announcement to make, everyone. Recently I was approached by the producers at MTV to develop a reality television series centered around us, the THUNDERBOLTS. Of course I made the excellent choice of signing us all on to become television stars for the GLORY of the ZEMO LEGACY -- err, the THUNDERBOLTS LEGACY."

Before his teammates could blink, the kitchen was swarming with camera crews, producers with oddly shaved moustaches, and makeup ladies. The rapper Xzibit grabbed a microphone and said into a camera, "Here we are, peeps, MTV has an exclusive with America's most controversial team of superheroes, the Thunderbolts! We're going to be here, right here, in their amazing secret hideout, filming every facet of their lives, bringing you the truth, for real!"

"What the hell--?" Mel said, grabbing Zemo and yanking him aside. "I can't believe you've done this! You've sold us to MTV?!"

"Bah!" said Zemo imperiously. "It was excellent publicity. Besides, you'll barely notice the cameras," he said as Mel frantically waved away a microphone someone was dangling in her face. "You there!" he called, storming off in pursuit of Xzibit. "About 'pimping my ride'..."

While the camera crew got a looooong shot of Andreas sloooowly eating a bratwurst, Joystick fingered Xzibit's collar and purred, "Hey, why don't you and me sneak off to my room for some... private time?"

***

Carson Daly: "Ms. Van Dyne, what do you think of MTV's new reality TV show, At Home with the Thunderbolts?"

Wasp: "I think it's an affront to humanity and good taste."

***

Radioactive Man did not even deign to acknowledge the camera crew. They followed him around hopefully for an hour but got nothing but footage of him meditating. Hoping for something more salacious, they switched to Joystick, who did not disappoint.

"This is my 'Superdudes I've Banged' scrapbook," she said, holding it up proudly so the camera could get a good view. "Here's the Scarlet Spider, that good Green Goblin, Genis-Vell... I wish Hawkeye were still on the team, I never got a shot with him..."

Blizzard was somewhat more disappointing. He showed them his room happily enough, but aside from his new video game console, didn't really have anything of interest. They were sure to get a shot of a photo on his desk of him and Speed Demon however. Donnie did show off the fridge, saying, "See! It's twice normal size, and has lotsa beer, wine, and wursts. Andreas likes to eat wursts. I think it's a German thing. Anyway, this is where I keep my icepops."

Abe took one look at the insanity, suited up, and flew off to stay with his cousin in New Jersey for the weekend.

***

Carson Daly: "What do you think of MTV's new reality TV show, At Home with the Thunderbolts?"

Falcon: "That *expletive deleted* Zemo did *expletive deleted* to my hawk Redwing and *expletive deleted* they give him his own *expletive deleted* TV show!"

***

Zemo proudly led the camera crew around the Folding Castle, pointing out each unique feature in turn. "This is portrait of my father," he said, pointing to a painting of Baron Heinrich Zemo. "The greatest man who ever lived!"

The next stop was the bedroom, Zemo leading the way, Melissa following along anxiously, hoping to minimize the damage. As the camera zoomed in, Zemo patted the bed and said, "This is where the MAGIC happens!" and Mel died a little inside. Then Zemo showed off what Xzibit referred to as 'bling-bling', which consisted of Nazi rings and Iron Crosses. Finally, as the grand finale, Zemo led the crew to a balcony and announced, "I bet that pop music whore Usher doesn't have an extradimensional rift in space and time that leads to... NAZI GERMANY!" before tearing open a portal with his moonstones.

Fixer's room was by far the scariest. Porno played nonstop on seven mounted videoscreens, a pile of suspiciously worn dirty magazines lay on the floor next to the bed, and strange tech descended from the ceiling and tried to mate with the camera when the crew entered. When asked for "personal memorabilia", Fixer pondered for a moment and dug out some photographs. "This is me and Zemo in Mexico," he said, holding up each one as he described it. "This is me and Zemo when I was a robot. This is me and Zemo when we invaded the Avengers mansion. This is Zemo in the healing bath. Oh this is a good one! Zemo when he was really drunk...."

After 35 minutes of this, the producers ascertained that Fixer had no memorabilia other than his pornography and photos of him with Zemo.

"Zemo crying and throwing a temper tantrum -- I think Captain America had busted up his latest evil plan. This one is where Zemo tripped and I caught him and it kind of looks like we're hugging..."

At dusk the film crew caught Andreas and Joystick skinny-dipping in Fixer's pool. Between the two nude superheroes, and the pictures of naked Avengers painted on the pool, they had to blur almost everything, but it still made for great TV.

Dinner was... a unique affair. Zemo of course sat at the head of the table, then blessed the food "In the name of the Heavenly Father... Baron Heinrich Zemo!"

Radioactive Man pointedly ignored the film crew for the entire meal. Andreas slowly and lovingly licked his spoon clean while staring brazenly into the camera. Zemo attempted to play footsie under the table with Melissa, who just ate her food and tried to slog through another couple of hours, praying for it to end quickly and with a minimum of bloodshed.

***

Carson Daly: "What do you think of MTV's new reality TV show, At Home with the Thunderbolts?"

Black Widow: "I hope they're all locked away for good!"

***

Day two was, thankfully, the last day of filming, but also the most stressful, because Sally Jessie Raphael was going to interview the entire team before a live audience. The Thunderbolts dutifully walked out onstage and sat down.

Sally Jessie Raphael looked over her notes and then peered at each Thunderbolt thoughtfully. "First, thanks for being here. I've been looking at footage of each of you from the past two days," she said. Pointing to Joystick, she said, "I'm here to have a heart-to-heart with each of you. Joystick, you are open about your promiscuity. Do you think it's because you're searching for the love denied you as a child?"

"No, it's because I like to fuck!" Joystick said, flashing her tits. Melissa hid her head in her hands.

Moving on to Andreas, Sally Jessie said, "Swordsman, you've lived a very degenerate lifestyle. After your sister's death, you seem to have retreated into a world of denial."

Andreas laughed nervously and said, "Heh, I don't know what you're talking about, lalalala, happy families!"

Shaking her head, Sally Jessie went on. "Fixer, your obsession with pornography suggests to me you may be repressing... feelings for Zemo."

"Huh?" said Fixer, glancing up from his dirty mag, his hand down his pants. Donnie scooted down into his sweater and prayed that she didn't call his name. Sally Jessie started to say something to Radioactive Man but he gave her The Look and she shut up.

"Baron Zemo," she said, "don't you think your father's freakish upbringing contributed to your beliefs of your racial superiority?"

"Beliefs?" repeated Zemo. He slammed his fist on his chair's arm. "I AM superior!"

The crowd booed wildly, some waving signs that said "Nazi pig" and "Go back to Germany". Zemo just smirked at them.

"Songbird," Sally Jessie addressed her, "your romance with Baron Zemo is truly a clash of two different worlds. How can you reconcile your relationship with an avowed white supremacist when you are, yourself, Jewish?"

"Um, uh," Mel began, staring into the camera like a deer caught in the headlights. Zemo was only too happy to answer for her.

"She is my sloe-eyed Jewess temptress!" he said. The crowd roared with anger. "I mean it with love! Besides, I am a hero now. I no longer belong to the Nazi Party, instead I invest in Bud Light and American horror movies."

That evening the messageboards at the official MTV website for At Home with the Thunderbolts were buzzing with such topics as "Zemo: Racist fucktard or anti-hero?", "Blizzard: gay or not?" and "R-Man: Why won't they vote him off?"

When the fanmail arrived, Fixer absconded with lots of photos of 16-year-old girls in bikinis, while Andreas recieved offers to pose for the covers of "Seventeen" and "Teen Beat". Zemo got hundreds of letters in protest of his actions and comments from dozens of different organizations and groups. Melissa received a lot of "Get out now" letters from concerned citizens, including one postcard from an S. Rogers of New York, New York.

***

Carson Daly: "What do you think of MTV's new reality TV show, At Home with the Thunderbolts?"

Red Skull: "The frauleins are very comely. And it is such a pleasure to see Baron Zemo and his... partner Fixer being so domestic." *smirk*