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transemacabreTitle: The Not Knowing is the Worst Part
Fandom: Thunderbolts
Rating: PG13
Main character: Blizzard (Donald Gill)
Now, Donnie Gill knew what it was like not to have nothing or to know nothing, and the not knowing was always the worse of the two. Pretty early on he realized that he wasn't the brightest guy, and he didn't get too far in school, so when the opportunity to work for Mr. Hammer came up, he jumped for it. 'Cause getting to put on a suit and be Blizzard meant that he got to be something. But it wasn't even his suit, not really, Shapanka designed it and he had been the real Blizzard before he bit the big one. Hammer just handed it off to him, and after awhile it got through Donny's thick skull that being a thug in a borrowed suit wasn't much different from just being a thug, period.
Then Abe came knocking on his door, and Donnie jumped on that opportunity, too. It was too perfect, join up with a bunch of ex-villains and pretend to be a hero. The suit wouldn't never really be his, but maybe he could use it for something better than knocking over liquor stores and scaring little ol' grandmas. Look at Abe, he told himself, he wasn't nothing, and then he was the Beetle, and now he's MACH IV, a regular hero. And he doesn't have any special powers or anything, no more than me. If he can do it, maybe I can, too. But now, months later, he's thinking that maybe he wasn't anything like Abe, not really, powers or no powers. That Abe was always a stronger man, a better man, a smarter man. Hell, Abe made himself a supervillain and then a superhero, with his own armor he designed himself. Donnie is still just a thug in a dead man's suit.
Having teammates was weird at first, 'cause Donnie wasn't used to having to depend on people or having people depend on him. The truth was he wasn't any better at being a hero then he had been at being a thug, he wasn't strong enough or fast enough and the freon kept running out at bad times. Maybe he couldn't cut it after all. Songbird came back and soon Abe was too busy mooning over her to give Donnie the time of day, so he stopped trying with him. Besides, he didn't like the way Songbird looked at him, like she saw right through Donnie and saw how weak he really was. Genis was just freaky to be around, and Donnie was always scared that if he stood near Radioactive Man for too long that he'd get cancer or grow two heads or something. Joystick was... intense, and Donnie was never sure when Atlas might flip out and hurt somebody. But Jim was okay, more than okay really, and Donnie was sort of embarassed at how he kept following Jim around, but he couldn't help himself. Jim was so smart and sure of himself and always seemed to know what he was doing (even if it was illegal) that Donnie kinda hoped that maybe if he stuck around him long enough, he could soak up some of that confidence that Jim gave off.
But Jim liked to do stuff like take Joystick to strip clubs, and even though he always let Donnie tag along, he seemed to know his heart wasn't in it. "What's wrong kid, you don't like the show?" Jim would laugh and Donnie would quickly drink his beer so he didn't have to say anything. Like that he never liked watching strippers or porn, or that he'd never kept a girlfriend longer than a month, that his friend Randy had bought him a hooker for his birthday once and Donnie had just paid her and let her go, then puked his guts out. He didn't like it when Jim said stuff like that, because that might make Donnie think about those things, and that might mean thinking about what that meant, and that might make him say something stupid that Jim would beat the hell out of him for. So he shut his mouth and drank his beer and tried to pretend that it didn't mean anything, that the only reason he wanted to be around Jim was because they were friends.
After Songbird kicked him out, he found himself spending more and more time at that same damn strip club. Not because he started liking the girls ("It'll happen one day for you," his friend Randy had told him years ago, "you just ain't met the right girl yet"). No, because he hoped maybe Jim and Joystick would drop by, and he would've spent every day there drinking himself into a stupor if it meant getting Jim to say "hey" to him one more time. And he's pretty sure he's going to die of a non-existent liver at this rate, but he can't muster up anything to care anymore. Being a Tbolt was all he had, his last chance, and he couldn't cut it.
So now that guy, Fixer or Techno or whatever, is standing here making him an offer. Donnie thinks to himself, I could be a Tbolt again and then didn't this guy use to be a robot? and then I could see Jim again and he doesn't care if the devil himself was offering to cut him a deal. He jumps on the opportunity. 'Cause not knowing what could have been would be the worst part.
Fandom: Thunderbolts
Rating: PG13
Main character: Blizzard (Donald Gill)
Now, Donnie Gill knew what it was like not to have nothing or to know nothing, and the not knowing was always the worse of the two. Pretty early on he realized that he wasn't the brightest guy, and he didn't get too far in school, so when the opportunity to work for Mr. Hammer came up, he jumped for it. 'Cause getting to put on a suit and be Blizzard meant that he got to be something. But it wasn't even his suit, not really, Shapanka designed it and he had been the real Blizzard before he bit the big one. Hammer just handed it off to him, and after awhile it got through Donny's thick skull that being a thug in a borrowed suit wasn't much different from just being a thug, period.
Then Abe came knocking on his door, and Donnie jumped on that opportunity, too. It was too perfect, join up with a bunch of ex-villains and pretend to be a hero. The suit wouldn't never really be his, but maybe he could use it for something better than knocking over liquor stores and scaring little ol' grandmas. Look at Abe, he told himself, he wasn't nothing, and then he was the Beetle, and now he's MACH IV, a regular hero. And he doesn't have any special powers or anything, no more than me. If he can do it, maybe I can, too. But now, months later, he's thinking that maybe he wasn't anything like Abe, not really, powers or no powers. That Abe was always a stronger man, a better man, a smarter man. Hell, Abe made himself a supervillain and then a superhero, with his own armor he designed himself. Donnie is still just a thug in a dead man's suit.
Having teammates was weird at first, 'cause Donnie wasn't used to having to depend on people or having people depend on him. The truth was he wasn't any better at being a hero then he had been at being a thug, he wasn't strong enough or fast enough and the freon kept running out at bad times. Maybe he couldn't cut it after all. Songbird came back and soon Abe was too busy mooning over her to give Donnie the time of day, so he stopped trying with him. Besides, he didn't like the way Songbird looked at him, like she saw right through Donnie and saw how weak he really was. Genis was just freaky to be around, and Donnie was always scared that if he stood near Radioactive Man for too long that he'd get cancer or grow two heads or something. Joystick was... intense, and Donnie was never sure when Atlas might flip out and hurt somebody. But Jim was okay, more than okay really, and Donnie was sort of embarassed at how he kept following Jim around, but he couldn't help himself. Jim was so smart and sure of himself and always seemed to know what he was doing (even if it was illegal) that Donnie kinda hoped that maybe if he stuck around him long enough, he could soak up some of that confidence that Jim gave off.
But Jim liked to do stuff like take Joystick to strip clubs, and even though he always let Donnie tag along, he seemed to know his heart wasn't in it. "What's wrong kid, you don't like the show?" Jim would laugh and Donnie would quickly drink his beer so he didn't have to say anything. Like that he never liked watching strippers or porn, or that he'd never kept a girlfriend longer than a month, that his friend Randy had bought him a hooker for his birthday once and Donnie had just paid her and let her go, then puked his guts out. He didn't like it when Jim said stuff like that, because that might make Donnie think about those things, and that might mean thinking about what that meant, and that might make him say something stupid that Jim would beat the hell out of him for. So he shut his mouth and drank his beer and tried to pretend that it didn't mean anything, that the only reason he wanted to be around Jim was because they were friends.
After Songbird kicked him out, he found himself spending more and more time at that same damn strip club. Not because he started liking the girls ("It'll happen one day for you," his friend Randy had told him years ago, "you just ain't met the right girl yet"). No, because he hoped maybe Jim and Joystick would drop by, and he would've spent every day there drinking himself into a stupor if it meant getting Jim to say "hey" to him one more time. And he's pretty sure he's going to die of a non-existent liver at this rate, but he can't muster up anything to care anymore. Being a Tbolt was all he had, his last chance, and he couldn't cut it.
So now that guy, Fixer or Techno or whatever, is standing here making him an offer. Donnie thinks to himself, I could be a Tbolt again and then didn't this guy use to be a robot? and then I could see Jim again and he doesn't care if the devil himself was offering to cut him a deal. He jumps on the opportunity. 'Cause not knowing what could have been would be the worst part.
