transemacabre | Selina Sedilia

So I probably shouldn't have stayed up all night reading an anthology of Gothic literature, because I had to turn on the bathroom light and crack the door before I could fall asleep. BUT BUT BUT! Bret Harte's "Selina Sedilia" is sooooo funny, a perfect parody of overwrought, over-the-top Gothic romance.

Here we have Selina, scion of an accursed race, monologuing about her doomed love for Edgardo.

"The seventeenth," she repeated slowly, with the same fateful shudder. "Ah!--what if he should know that I have another husband living? Dare I reveal to him that I have two legitimate and three natural children? Dare I repeat to him the history of my youth? Dare I confess that at the age of seven I poisoned my sister, by putting verdigris in her cream-tarts,--that I threw my cousin from a swing at the age of twelve? That the lady`s-maid who incurred the displeasure of my girlhood now lies at the bottom of the horse- pond? No! no! he is too pure,--too good,--too innocent, to hear such improper conversation!" and her whole body writhed as she rocked to and fro in a paroxysm of grief.

She's about to light a fuse to blow the western tower, where her kids are hidden, and the parish church, where the record of her first marriage is held, sky-high when the ghost of her great-grandfather appears to her with these ominous words.

"I do. Understand me,--I do not object to the eccentricities of your youth. I know the fearful destiny which, pursuing you, led you to poison your sister and drown your lady`s-maid. I know the awful doom which I have brought upon this house! But if you make way with these children--"

"Well," said the Lady Selina, hastily.

"They will haunt you!"

"Well, I fear them not," said Selina, drawing her superb figure to its full height.

"Yes, but, my dear child, what place are they to haunt? The ruin is sacred to your uncle`s spirit. Your aunt monopolizes the park, and, I must be allowed to state, not unfrequently trespasses upon the grounds of others. The horse-pond is frequented by the spirit of your maid, and your murdered sister walks these corridors. To be plain, there is no room at Sloperton Grange for another ghost. I cannot have them in my room,--for you know I don`t like children. Think of this, rash girl, and forbear! Would you, Selina," said the phantom, mournfully,--"would you force your great-grandfather`s spirit to take lodgings elsewhere?"

Meanwhile, Edgardo angsts.

"It wants but a few minutes of the hour," he said, consulting his watch by the light of the moon. "He dare not break his word. He will come." He paused, and peered anxiously into the darkness. "But come what may, she is mine," he continued, as his thoughts reverted fondly to the fair lady he had quitted. "Yet if she knew all. If she knew that I were a disgraced and ruined man,--a felon and an outcast. If she knew that at the age of fourteen I murdered my Latin tutor and forged my uncle`s will. If she knew that I had three wives already, and that the fourth victim of misplaced confidence and my unfortunate peculiarity is expected to be at Sloperton by to-night`s train with her baby. But no; she must not know it. Constance must not arrive. Burke the Slogger must attend to that.

So he hires Burke the Slogger to destroy the bridge carrying Wife #4 and Edgardo Jr. However...

But the next moment the train leaped across the chasm, striking the rails exactly even, and, dashing out the life of Burke the Slogger, sped away to Sloperton.

Selina gets some news.

"An accident has happened on the railway, and a man has been killed."

"What--not Edgardo!" almost screamed Selina.

"No, Burke the Slogger!" your ladyship.

"My first husband!" said Lady Selina, sinking on her knees. "Just Heaven, I thank thee!"

HAHAHA THATS COMEDY.

The wedding is still on. Selina's illegitimate daughter Alice escapes confinement and hides in her mother's boudoir. Seeing a fuse, she seizes a match.

Suddenly the ringing of the chimes of Sloperton parish church met her ear. Alice knew that the sound signified that the marriage party had entered the church, and that she was secure from interruption. With a childish smile upon her lips, Alice Sedilia touched off the slow-match.

Selina's nephew Rupert arrives from India, determined to prove his aunt cheated him out of his inheritance. Just then ---

At the same moment he beheld a dense cloud of smoke envelop the churchyard of Sloperton, and the western tower of the Grange seemed to be lifted bodily from its foundation. The air seemed filled with falling fragments, and two dark objects struck the earth close at his feet. Rupert picked them up. One seemed to be a heavy volume bound in brass.

A cry burst from his lips.

"The Parish Records." He opened the volume hastily. It contained the marriage of Lady Selina to "Burke the Slogger."

The second object proved to be a piece of parchment. He tore it open with trembling fingers. It was the missing will of Sir James Sedilia!

And this charming epilogue, in which everyone gets their just deserts:

Five more ghosts were added to the supernatural population of Sloperton Grange. Perhaps this was the reason why Sir Rupert sold the property shortly afterward, and that for many years a dark shadow seemed to hang over the ruins of Sloperton Grange.