transemacabre | Marilyn Manson's tips for knowing if you are gay

Taken from his 1999 book, The Long Hard Road Out of Hell, and oriented towards the man creatures (because, as Manson puts it, all women are by nature bisexual). He openly admits to having broken rules 1, 2, 12, 20, 26, 30, 33, and 38 as of 1999, so I'm sure he's gotten around to the others by now.

1. If you get someone else's sperm on you.
2. If you've ever owned a Smiths album.
3. If you get hard while sucking another guy's dick. If you don't, you're straight -- unless he gets sperm on you.
4. If Michael Stipe is in the room with you, and you're having sex with a woman, you're bisexual.
5. If you're at a gay bar, you're not gay. But if you're at a straight bar and you talk to another guy longer than you talk to a girl, you're gay.
6. If you tap your feet to a Smiths song.
7. If you discuss art for more than 45 minutes.
8. If you've ever worn a beret.
9. If you kiss a guy and he has a hard-on, you're not gay unless he has a hard-on, too.
10. If you have any kind of sex -- with a male or a female -- to the Smiths, you're gay.
11. If your only purpose in life is to get girls pregnant so they can have more girls to have lesbian sex together.
12. If you jack off and you get cum on yourself.
13. If you get a boner watching Gilligan's Island.
14. If you don't get a boner watching Bewitched.
15. If there's a Smiths song on in the bar and you're in the bathroom with your dick in your hand.
16. If your name is Richard and you go by Dick.
17. If you're friends with anyone named Dick.
18. If you don't cheat on your wife, you're only using her as a prop to make people think you're not gay.
19. If you're friends with a model.
20. If you fuck a girl who likes the Smiths.
21. If you don't eat meat because the Smiths album Meat is Murder had an impact on your life.
22. If you do anything spiritual.
23. If you fuck a pregnant woman and she's carrying a boy, you're gay. If you get sperm on the amniotic sac, the baby will grow up to be gay, too.
24. If you've ever had a haircut like Morrissey.
25. If you've ever had a haircut while a Morrissey or Smiths album was playing in the room.
26. If you've ever talked about or owned a crystal -- especially if its crystal meth.
27. If you've ever put band-aids on your nipples as a fashion statement.
28. If you've ever spent more than a week on South Beach.
29. If you're not thinking about tits right now.
30. If you still liked Judas Priest after you heard the rumor that Rob Halford was gay.
31. If you get a hard-on while taking a shit.
32. If you know what sperm tastes like (especially if it's your own).
33. If you kiss a girl with tongue after she's swallowed your cum.
34. If you get hard while reading this.
35. If you know the names of anyone who's ever been in the Smiths besides Morrissey and Johnny Marr.
36. If you're a male model.
37. If you get choked up listening to "Boys Don't Cry" by The Cure.
38. If you're a clothing designer.
39. If your first, last, middle, or only name was Morrissey.