transemacabre: (Default)
Using my incredible mutant powers to see the future, I bring you Marvel's solicits from 2009!

New Avengers #43
A resurrected Jean Grey makes out with Scarlet Witch in a hot tub. What more do you want from us, fanboys? Also, Iron Man orders a hit on Sally Floyd after she tries to blackmail him with the info that he's impregnated like three of those underaged girls from the Initiative. REJOICE!

New Warriors #19
Prepare yourself, True Believers, for the debute of the NEWEST NEW NEW WARRIOR -- Mimic from the Exiles, who is now somehow alive again! Wow, full-color can hardly begin to convey the EXCITEMENT, the THRILL, of another character with no connection to the original New Warriors, with ill-defined powers, who's acting completely contrary to all of his previous depictions! Excelsior!!

Runaways #30
Okay, so yeah, it took us like 9 months to get this issue out. But hey, it's got time travel! And everybody loves that wacky time travel! Plus: Nico makes a cultural reference that's sure to be totally dated by the time this hits TPB. Believe it!

Uncanny X-Men #501
The X-Men REEL from the fallout of last issue's events, in which an ALL NEW, ALL DIFFERENT Summers child from the FUTURE was revealed! What craziness does the mutant Technopath have planned? Why has he come back in time? And he's Cable's son by an alternate universe cyborg Tony Stark! HOLY SHIT!

Thunderbolts #130
Norman Osborn assrapes Jolt, in a move sure to drive a stake through the hearts of the last remaining ol skool Tbolts fans! Umm -- WARREN ELLIS! WARREN ELLIS WARREN ELLIS WARREN ELLIS! "Nextwave" is as awesome as oral sex! WARREN ELLIS!
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At some point within the first 12 issues of Ellis' New New Thunderbolts, I predict some or all of the following will occur:

1. A crossover with Dirk Anger or somebody like that from Nextwave.

2. Creepy gay subtext between Norman Osborn and Bullseye. Of all the characters I want to see have creepy gay subtext with one another, Osborn and Bullseye are pretty far down the list.

3. With a nod to [ profile] jim_smith, Pete Wisdom will show up for four pages to bang Songbird. He will serve no further purpose in the plot.

4. Someone will forget Blizzard was ever a Tbolt, and he will reappear as a badguy for, like, the Runaways to pound on with no explanation as to why he returned to villainy.

5. One of two possibilities for Scorpo-Venom:
5.a. Marvel will play up the Venom and play down the Scorpion to appease the fanboys, or...
5.b. ... the other characters will constantly harp on Mac Gargan for being Diet Venom, which will make him even more BITTER and KEWL.

For every prediction that comes true, I will eat a cookie. Actually, I'll eat the cookie regardless because I will bake it myself, but I will eat it with more GUSTO if my predictions come true. Break yo'self, fool.
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From a conversation on the CBR forums. Before coming out as gay in the GLA mini, Living Lightning spent a few months on an asteroid with Quasar (RIP). Just the two of them, alone, with occasional visits from Monica Rambeau and Starfox.

Keep in mind Quasar is the same hero who's own *girlfriend* wondered if he was gay.
Read more... )
transemacabre: (Default)
Inspired by the Harry Potter fanfics no one wants to see, [ profile] remix17 and I came up with some Thunderbolts fanfics that should never, ever be written!
Read more... )
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Lord and Savior of Historical Fiction? Uh huh.

Read more... )
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CHAR 1: No way! Not Spider-Man!
CHAR 2: Yes.
CHAR 1: You're not serious.
CHAR 2: Serious. I swear.
CHAR 1: Wow. Spider-Man.
CHAR 2: Yeah.
CHAR 1: Wow!
transemacabre: (Default) solicits, circa 2014...

Written by Kevin Smith, art by the Dodsons
This month, in a stunning turn to REALISM, everyone gets RAPED! You heard us right, True Believers. RAPE! Zemo is raped, Fixer is raped, Moonstone is raped, MACH-XVIII is raped, Songbird is raped, Atlas is raped. Leila Davis and Hawkeye come back from the dead and then they get raped, too. RAPE RAPE RAPE. We're gritty! We're realistic! Excelsior!!

Art and plot by Rob Liefield
Cable breaks into SHIELD headquarters, where he finds the BIGGEST F*CKING GUN HE HAS EVER SEEN! Meanwhile, can Deadpool stop the menace of Arnim Zola and his army of genetically-engineered cloned zombie Carnies from destroying Idaho? Idaho, hah! Get it, I-da-ho? We crack us up. Plus: special guest-stars KISS!

MOON KNIGHT #5 (vol. 22)
Written by Bendis! Art by Bendis!'s six-year-old niece, Holly
Moon Knight beats up some ninjas and stuff. He goes to talk to his beard girlfriend, and they make out. Or not. The god Khonshu appears with a SHOCKING REVELATION. Still, no one cares.

Written by some fanboy, art by some fanboy.
Logan singlehandedly takes takes on the combined forces of NATO, SHIELD, HYDRA, and some other acronyms, and WINS. Afterwards, he has a big orgy with the Invisible Woman, the Wasp, She-Hulk, Storm, and oddly, Moon Knight. Then he beats up Cyclops, because Cyclops is a LOSER and Logan is THE MAN. Remember when Logan used to be an awesome character instead of an overrated joke? Naw, neither do we.


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